If you're reading this, you probably also read my post about heartache & baby loss. I wanted so badly to end it with exciting news. Little did I know, I was actually pregnant at the time I was pouring my heart out about what we had gone through. I am still in shock as I write this today, almost 13 weeks pregnant now. Our redemption story. Our rainbow baby.
For the past 2 and a half years, I have watched bellies grow, deliveries happen, families grow, and celebrations happen.
Our little family has stood still. We have a daughter who is now 4 and a half and will have just turned 5 when this baby arrives. It is never what I imagined for our family, but somehow it now seems perfect. It was always you. I had imagined my babies closer in age. Every time someone told me how much help my daughter would be once I did get pregnant, I would cringe. I don’t want her to help. I wanted her to be a kid. And have a sibling. And do the things that siblings close in age do. Play together, fight, learn how to share. Things have definitely not been the easiest on us, but as we begin this journey out of the fog, I can look back and say I get it now.
Pregnancy after loss is complicated.
While my first pregnancy was carefree and exciting, so far this pregnancy has been anything but. As mentioned in my post about Heartache and Baby Loss, I had been going to a fertility clinic for a little over a year. Once I learned I was pregnant, I was able to get internal ultrasounds at 6, 8, and 10 weeks before I was released to my regular OB for a 12 week appointment. At 6 weeks, we were able to see a heartbeat! Exciting, yes. But a part of me was terrified we wouldn't make it to the next appointment. The same thing happened at the 8 week appointment. We saw a heartbeat, the baby was growing, but I was terrified yet again our next appointment would never come. Thankfully, we made it to our 12 week appointment where everything looked perfect.
Aside from waiting for each appointment, daily things that occur that are normal pregnancy signs somehow seem extremely stressful. Every time I go to the bathroom, I’m terrified there will be a spot of blood. Each time I get a little cramp, I think the worst. I also had a few weeks of feeling a little nauseous and tired. In those weeks, if I happened to have a day that I felt great and didn’t need to take a nap, I thought for sure something was wrong. My symptoms were gone. I was losing the baby.
Continue holding onto hope.
I ended my post about Heartache and Baby Loss this exact same way. The greatest tool I have found to get through (especially the first trimester) is hope. Things are out of your hands. Rub lotion on your belly, take your prenatal vitamins, and take care of yourself and your body. That’s all you need to do. I kept my positive pregnancy test in my bathroom to look at each morning and remind myself there is a baby in there, and to keep a positive attitude that things would turn out exactly as they are supposed to.